I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
