He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
