Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
