Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
