you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
