I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
