i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize