Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
