my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
