Who wears a wallet chain?!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
