So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
