dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
