I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize