birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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