somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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