Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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