I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
