I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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