where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
