i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
