Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
