It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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