Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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