wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize