Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
