Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
