I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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