apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
