I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
