he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
