I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
