I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
