When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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