Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
His wife found the thong I āforgotā in his glovebox
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