Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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