we're blogging at a bar
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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