You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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