The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
