meet me or not, i'm out of control
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
