News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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