he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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