The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
