Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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