youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i just google imaged poop.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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