dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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