He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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