this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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