i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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