I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
When are your genitals available?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dick very happy bro
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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