she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
