There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize