I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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