Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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