wrigley field is MILF paradise
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My underwear smells like fireworks.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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