doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
