Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
