i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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