So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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