I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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