I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize