either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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