my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
