I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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