So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
